Thursday, 21 April 2016

The Wife is a Mom now


I did not feel a thing the day I got pregnant. I just went with the flow and then came the side effects. I fell sick, I was sad one moment and happy the next. Poor husband was trying to sail the same boat but the sailor (Of course me!!! Duh!)  was being cranky and moody. Surprise Surprise!!!

Through all those mood swings and long days the husband comforted me, laughed with me, was quiet when I was crying, listened when I vented and bunked office for me. And yes, like the quintessential father-to-be, got all the food I wanted to eat and sat and watched, with a caring look on his face, while I gorged.

He also said “I love you” many a times , meaning it every time,  to reassure me of his love, and mind you it is no mean feat to say that to an engorged, cranky, can-go- crazy-any- moment woman who constantly doubted her looks and her capability of fulfilling the upcoming responsibility all the time.
And then one fine morning the water broke. Little Sammy was ready. I panicked but the Husband asked “ Can I sleep in a bit”?  That “Are you insane “ look from me told him it was time to go to the hospital, to  let Little Sammy face this world now. He was lazy about reading the book I gave him for would be fathers and now he was trying to make up for it by furiously going through the bookmarks.
 It was a C-Sec . He could not handle the bloody show and was out of the surgery room in a moment. He chose not to play the typical panicky Bollywood hero in the surgery room trying to show solidarity with his wife in her pain. Little Sammy arrived with much fanfare in the household and was the center of attraction and the husband basked in the glory of being a father. His paternity leave was spent in the hospital, with me, while we both learnt to take care of the baby and he ensured that I took care to heal my scar.
The depression soared, the mood started swinging faster than the pendulum clock and the sleeplessness made me look and feel like a Robot on an auto mode. The only thing that kept me human was his wise reminder “This too shall pass” that was met with a crazed look from me.

It has been seven months since little Sammy came. The routine gets better by the day and I even manage to win a few loving gazes from little Sammy, that makes this journey worthwhile. The little devil that sows the doubt of being a good parent every other day in my mind is shooed away- when I see my husband staring at little Sammy lovingly, his chest swelling with pride for she has passed a healthy poop successfully  and am reassured that with him around, parenting will only get better.  Because he manages to tell me how much he loves me while am being pooped or vomited on and struggling with a hyperactive little Sammy. The wife has now become a mom because the husband has made this transition possible by helping me to play all the roles with panache every day.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

The Other Side of the Fence

Rukhsana was sitting near the gnarled tree stump. There were other trees
around, others that would provide shadow but this was Rukhsana’s favourite place in the world. The twisted branches, the knobby, contorted remains of the tree reminded her of the fondest memories of her childhood. Unlike others, she found the tree stump to be beautiful, just like life is with its many favourable and unfavourable turns. Not very far from where her home used to be, it was this very tree under which she used to sit with her grandma and listen to stories ; Or memories of how she came to be called Pyaari because she was so plump and beautiful when a kid.

It was during one such blissful afternoon when Pyaari was reminiscing her childhood antics with her granny that she watched horror unfold before her eyes.

Those men had weapons in their hand and were on a killing spree. Pyaari saw them targeting people who did not look like them, who wore different clothes or anyone who came in their way. They dragged their neighbour’s wife out of her home. Pyaari’s Granny rushed to her help. They killed both of them and set their house on fire. Pyaari was a helpless witness to this as she hid behind the tree.

The rain drenched the burnt remains of the village. The water which ran down the pond was blackish red due to the ash and blood mixed in it. The stench of burnt flesh filled the air.

******************************************************************

Motilal watched the sun set in the horizon, the harvest in his field looking golden in the rays of the setting sun. He was happy, that this year his harvest would be good; he would be able to pay off his debts. His family would not starve. He got up and started walking back home, content and happy that his dream would finally come true.

As he approached his village, he saw it burning. People were screaming,  running helter-skelter. Confused, Motilal rushed to his home. He could not find any. There lay a broken, burnt heap of stones where once stood his haven of happiness. He looked frantically for his wife. Nothing. Somebody hit on his head, Motilal was unconscious.
Motilal gained consciousness as he saw Pyaari trying to make him drink water. He barely managed to stand on his feet when he found his wife’s charred body lying nearby. He pushed Pyaari aside with hatred. He shouted in rage : “Why are you crying Rukhsana, they killed our people, not your family?” He tried to hit Pyaari when he noticed her Grandma lying dead on the other side of the now broken fence.

This time the reality struck him really hard. He let out a cry of anguish as he felt the loss of his family, his home; like the few other left alive in that village on that fateful day.

People were soon moved to the refugee camp by the authorities. Most of them took up jobs in the construction sites nearby, to earn a living.

******************************************************************
Pyaari removed the boiling pot of rice from the clay oven and kept it aside. She looked for some water to put the fire off. She realized there is none. She went outside to collect water and found some left in the bucket.  By the time she returned, the corner of the house which was used as a kitchen was swallowed by black smoke. The hay near the oven caught fire. She threw the water to put off the fire. It did not help. There was a heap of sand in the nearby construction site. She rushed to the place and got some. As she heaped the sand on the oven to put off the fire, she realized that the rice was also burnt in this mayhem.

Pyaari now panicked. What will she provide to Motilal when he returned from the construction site?  He would beat her to death. Twelve year old Pyaari could not think of anything logical. It was the only food they were left with. It seemed to her that this demon called fire has always swallowed the peace of her life with its black smoke.
 
There was sound of footsteps outside. Motilal called out for Pyaari, to serve him dinner.
Pyaari froze with fear in the kitchen.

She lied helplessly as the sharp cane slashed her skin every time it hit her. Motilal was like a beast when he lost his temper. He kept on hitting till Pyaari was unconscious. In fit of his anger, he threw the cane on Pyaari and stormed out of the room. Pyaari did not move.

*******************************************************************
As Motilal rushed to the doctor with Pyaari on his lap, scenes from the past rushed back before his eyes. Life has made a beast out of him, the proof of his atrocities lying on his lap. Losing his family, leaving his village, working in construction sites to make ends meet, he felt he lost the ability to love in his struggle for survival . The only known face around him was Rukhsana. But for him the child was just another labourer in the camp, who cooked food for him. He never felt akin to her. She reminded him of his loss.

As Pyaari gained consciousness, she squirmed with pain. She saw Motilal looking at her with eager eyes. Pyaari was back and it relieved Motilal. He could hear Pyaari speaking feebly, that she was sorry for burning the food. It stung his heart, he felt hurt and guilty than ever.

Motilal mustered all the courage he had within him and asked Pyaari, “I can only forgive you when you promise to call me Baba from now on Pyaari, will you?”


Tears rolled down her cheeks when she heard Motilal addressing her as Pyaari, for the first time. She felt she got her family back, finally. “Yes Baba”, said Pyaari.

Two people sat together, crying their heart out, as they were united as  a family by fate’s conspiracy, just like they lost everything due to fate’s conspiracy.


Motilal promised to himself as he held Pyaari’s hand, he would forget the fateful day of riot and live his dream again, because he has a family now which has given him a reason to love again.




Thursday, 12 June 2014

Freedom - A choice?

Padma was huddled in the corner of the dark room. She went numb from within. Her left hand had swollen and the burn caused a blister. The empty cage lay beside her. Its door lay open. The lentil and the water bowl lay scattered in the adjacent balcony. The remains of the bowl were strewn across the floor.

Like every day she had given food and water to the cockatoo, it was the female one, Radha. Kishan, the male cockatoo died some days back. Radha looked dull since then. Radha and Kishan shared a pair bond, like most cockatoos do.  Padma knew Radha was stuck, with Kishan gone. However, when she mentioned this to Joel after much deliberation, she was asked to do her job and not try to put her brains to use.

She forgot to shut the door of the cage that day. Radha was gone.

Padma’s whimpers were drowned in the abuses hurled by Joel. He pushed her aside and stormed out of the room, tired of her inefficiency.

Her knees gave away. She fell on the floor. The balcony was a mess due to the cage being thrown on the floor by Joel. She did not even try to clear the balcony. A feeling of anger spread through her body. No one could hear her silent howls. In anger, she picked up the glowing incense stick from the nearby table and stuck it on her left hand. The pain diverted her mind.

 Padma noticed a flock of birds, flying home, while the sun rose in the horizon, lighting up the sky.

Radha was free too, thought Padma to herself. Maybe, being alone was not that bad. Not when you are free enough to laugh without being conscious, to speak without fear and live with your head held high.

Nine years later, when Padma is reminded of those days now, she feels good that though inadvertently, she set Radha free. She feels happier that she set herself free a year later. She chose to be happy, despite the circumstances. Today, Padma is a kind and independent woman, contended with her choices because she made one of her toughest choice then, to walk on a less trodden path, filled with obstacles.  


Perhaps making a choice and facing the consequences with honesty and integrity makes living life worthwhile.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

From the Heart.. For you:)

"Should you not think this through? " , he asked her as the smoke rings disappeared into the air.....

She smiled at him....there were thousand thoughts racing through her mind and she could not really put it into words....

She has asked herself this question so many times.... cause she knows she tends to be emotional..to the extent of being foolhardy at times...she has paid for it...she has been hurt, she has been messed up in her head...it has made her restless, irritable....it has only taught her not to trust easily.....

She experienced love and deceit very early in life, yet it took many turns of life to realise the many facets of it....

She has learnt her lessons the hard way; perhaps that is why she should be more careful.....shouldn't she be? perhaps love will not happen again.....

So when to know that this is it.....She did ask herself that question many times.....

Only when she faced the biggest loss of her life did she realise how important it is to love, to trust, to be vulnerable in the process....cause it is all too temporary....we really do not have any control over any of it...though we foolishly tend to believe we do....she smiled to herself...

"What are you thinking?" , he asked her and this time she smiled as she knew there were so many reasons she could give him....

She wanted to tell him that his smile made her feel good...when his eyes would smile too it would make her day.....

When he would look at her with those eyes she would feel good... when he would earnestly explain her whatever is on his mind.....she would know all he is expecting is for her to understand how he is....

And his honesty reassured her.....

Every little walk they took together would make her feel lonely no more....

She would want time to stop.....when with him..as he would talk about this and that..she would only watch him....she could feel that warmth spreading within her as she spent those moments  with him....

When his smell would waft towards her all she wanted was to hug him....hide her face in the cocoon of his love...her safe haven....

How would she tell him why she was sure that she has thought it through.....

How would she tell him how he puts her mind at peace, calms her down.......

How would she tell him that the respect, the trust he puts in her is her biggest gain....

How would she tell him that all she has ever cared for is to love, to be loved... and he dared her to dream about exactly that?

When he would lovingly look at her, she would feel adored.....

What of the hard times then? What about the time when the initial spark dies....she did ask this to herself.....

But its his simplicity that struck her.....His tender touch that made her feel secure...yes it would be the usual stuff...there will be good and bad times...like in  everyone's life....

Yes there would be fights, the anger, the irritation of certain wishes not being fulfilled, frustration from struggles of life.....

But she can feel the desire within herself to keep it going amidst all of this....to make him happy....she feels that he thinks in the same way too....

When you look at rest of the life together...its this simple desire, this honesty and this support, that will keep it going.....

And she knew that whatever is lacking then...they would want to work it out....for the sake of love.......

"What are you staring at?"... As he asked she just smiled at him..... yet again...she would tell him someday....all of this....she thought to herself.....and she expected him to understand....

That this time she knew it.....That this is it......
















Thursday, 6 February 2014

Devil's Halo

That feeling...of your heart strings being tugged at.....
The girl searching for halo on the devil's head....
Devil in disguise? She thought fools think like that.....
The world is good...believe in the good...
Thats what Papa told her.....
Thats why she never fears to feel...
Feel love, be vulnerable, give love....
Only to hear out the utterings of the devil.....
Trying to make sense of it.....
Should she stop believing then.....
Go by the cliches?
Don't trust, don't open up, do not love, don't expect, protect your heart;

She saw her Papa's innocent and reassuring smile,
The tugging  stopped,
She knew she would choose now....in the good
And preserve the gift of life she has got....
She would love....love that would help her blossom....
Not the other kind....not anymore......

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Moments -Your and Mine..... or Ours ?

I smell of you,
 Your breath,
 The smell of smoke on your hands,
It lingers on my senses....

The way you hold my hand, the tender yet firm grasp,
My hands still feel full.....

I don't want to touch my hair,
I want to preserve the feel of your hair in my hands.......

I smell of you because you ensnare my senses.....

Your mocking anger at my innumerable questions,
 You know, I won't ask you any, ever again, if you answer a few;

I feel scared, happiness is elusive I have heard...or felt or seen?

I do not know anymore,

Am smelling my hands for sometime now,
 Every fold of it...your smell seems to have drifted away.......



Thursday, 2 January 2014

The Grey Zone



Lali,  her father used to call her by that name... and she would not let anyone address her by that name;

But this guy was different, she did not know why, but her heart raced as she thought of the conversations she had with this guy....
She also did not know why she let him call her Lali.... why did she even share that name  with him?
This guy dared her to dream...dream about a beautiful tomorrow together, something she was so cynical about....It was like she was speaking to the man she has always wanted in her life.
She questioned her trust on this guy, given she has only seen his photograph and spoken to him over the phone, but her mind refused to pay attention to the details right now....
Lalita was excited about meeting this guy next month, once he is in the city, as he said he would be.
Its been four days since they spoke and the guy never called, Lalita was worried as she could not reach out to  him either. She feared her pessimism would overshadow her hopes...The guy was not even willing to add her on any common social networking platforms; It was weird...

But Lalita was determined to not lose faith this time, she decided to wait patiently.

Lalita was out with her best friend for dinner, the next day. She was getting introduced to her best friend's fiancĂ©. She adored the two of them together, they made such a cute couple. It made her hopeful, soon it might be her with the man of her dreams. 

As she took a sip of the wine she almost choked on it when she saw the man occupying the table next to them. The man was holding a baby in his arms and was soon joined by his wife and parents. The man looked eerily similar. Lalita's heart sank as he heard him speaking, his voice sounded familiar too, but  she has never met this guy before, in person. But he sounded so like the guy, looked so similar..  Is that why he is so secretive? Why was he stealing glances at her? Is that why he would always contact only when he wanted to? To only get some relief from the rut his conjugal life is these days? Questions flooded Lalita's mind.She twice thought of confronting him. She had no concrete proof though..... 

Lalita went numb,more out of the fear of losing her new found faith, the zeal to live life,than losing the guy.

She has lost enough in life already, her belief has been shattered more than once.  It has taken a lot to be where today she stood, optimistic about her future, happy about her present, with no regrets for past.

One verification that the guy in the restaurant is the same guy she has been speaking to,and she would be hurled back into the darkness she has climbed out of with great difficulty.

Lalita did not know what to do.Once home, she composed a message and sent it to the guy, waiting with bated breath for his answer.
She wrote, "Hi,please do not call me or message me ever again, as I have realised you are not the right person for me. "
What if he wanted an explanation,that's exactly what Lalita did not want to get into, what if her doubts are proven right?

Her cell beeped, he replied, "Ok."

Lalita heaved a sigh of relief. She would never know if she saved herself or if she lost the partner she was looking for all her life. All she knew was she could not afford to lose her faith in herself again.

Lalita got up and went out for a walk, as she decided it was acceptable to be somewhere between the truth and lie; For once in her life she was happy to be in the grey zone, to not know it all in black and white.....